


your neighbor's hand

by robiland



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Friendship, Gardening, Gen, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Character of Color, Lesbian Friendship™, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, zarmei is mentioned tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 07:36:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8003986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robiland/pseuds/robiland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lena's attempts to cope with the slow deterioration of her chronal accelerator are often futile. Mei has a few ideas, including a tree named Herman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	your neighbor's hand

**Author's Note:**

> this is the most works i've actually FINISHED for a single series, wow,
> 
> anyway this one is angst central which is my forté. i wrote this for a few reasons:
> 
> one, i love mei and tracer's canon interactions and it means a lot to me to see canon friendships between women where they just, uplift each other and support each other, WEH
> 
> two, after mei's cryostasis deal and tracer's whole time skipping thing, i refuse to believe they didn't get out of their respective situations without scars, and so i decided to represent that there, especially when so many fic representations of mental illness (especially OCD, which i have!) can be incredibly degrading and offensive, and so i wanted to try to remedy some of that, y'know? and i feel like it's because they're both going through Some Things that they can try to understand and comfort one another, which is what i've written here.
> 
> so please enjoy! there's only a brief mention of suicide here, as well as descriptions of a panic attack, so if those are things that upset you, please tread carefully!

Lena had never given much thought to Mei's insistence on having a rooftop garden installed at the base in Gibraltar. At least, not until she began to regress.

  
**  
**

Keeping up the maintenance needed on her chronal accelerator was going to be inevitably incredibly difficult. People and resources were spread thin and, even with the brilliance of minds like Winston's and Satya's, they could only do so much before the hunk of junk keeping Lena anchored to the present began to fall apart. The strain she put on it during battle was finally catching up to it. Skipping ahead and backwards in time was what Lena had become accustomed to; forgoing such a technique in battle was a gamble she would surely lose.

**  
**

She started taking the chronal accelerator off at night. Granted, it was uncomfortable to sleep in, especially when paired with the harnesses necessary to keep it in place, but rousing from a nightmare that was more like an unconscious flashback to find it there, keeping her there, was comforting. However, once Winston and Angela found it more difficult to be optimistic about the state of the device, Lena decided it was time to get used to its absence.

**  
**

To get used to being a living ghost again.

**  
**

Along with this, Lena would have to remember all of the old techniques she'd drummed up with her therapist - Angela in a blazer instead of a lab coat, she would often joke - to cope with how often she dissociated. It was a normal part of post-traumatic stress, just like the flashbacks, Angela had told her. Lena's case was special - her feelings of being disconnected from the present were matched with literally disappearing from the present. Usually, Lena would just blink across the room to get her blood pumping, feel the wind in her hair, and she could effectively ignore her own, fucked up brain, but that wouldn't be possible once the chronal accelerator finally conked out.

**  
**

That was where the garden came in. Lena, afraid to sleep, would find herself mounting the staircase leading to the rooftop that served as a lookout in the dead of night, just to be sure she was alone. She would take off her shoes and feel the turf under her feet, unbothered by any accidental stumbling on forgotten gardening tools that the moon did not illuminate. She would strain her eyes in an attempt to pick out the plants, their individual leaves and branches and petals, the fresh tomatoes that Ana liked to use in soups that were too hot for Lena. Sometimes, she would sit on the ledge of the roof, let her legs dangle in the cool night air as she stared out at the ocean.

**  
**

Sometimes, she thought about losing her balance. Falling. Jumping.

**  
**

She was supposed to tell Angela if she thought about suicide, but the thoughts passed by the time the morning came. At least, Lena was good at faking it.

**  
**

For what it was worth, for how often mental illness kicked her ass, Lena appreciated Mei for the garden. Seeing the fruits - no pun intended - of Mei's love for the environment manifesting themselves in a rooftop garden on a base that could have to be evacuated at any time, had it not been destroyed first, made Lena a little less cynical. Mei's perseverance, how relentlessly she loved, was one of the things that Lena always loved about her. She thought she might be interrupting something personal for Mei if she could help with the garden upkeep, but she also figured that she already interrupted by stepping all over the plants because she couldn't see in the dark. Mei would probably be too kind to call her out on it.

**  
**

At least, Lena would find out whether or not that was true tonight.

**  
**

She thought she was alone, as usual. And she was, up until she got to the garden and was greeted by the silhouette of a person kneeling by the ferns. Obviously, it scared the shit out of Lena, and she jumped, cursed, which made the silhouette also jump and nearly fall over before shining one of those huge emergency flashlights directly in Lena's face.

**  
**

"Sorry, sorry." Lena held a hand up in front of her eyes and squinted. "I didn't think anyone would be up here."

**  
**

"Oh! Lena!" Mei's unmistakably soothing voice sounded. "I keep telling Winston we need some lamps or something here... would you like to sit with me? I'm transplanting my ferns."

**  
**

Lena had no idea what that meant, but she found herself walking towards Mei anyway, grateful for the flashlight. She plopped down onto her behind with her legs crossed. "I'm not interrupting, am I?"

**  
**

"Not at all! I'm glad for the company. No one really comes up here." Mei tapped a finger to her chin. "Though, there was a footprint in the carrot patches. I suspect I had a mystery visitor."

**  
**

Wincing, Lena mumbled, "That... might have been me. I usually come up here this time of night when I can't really sleep... kind of hard to see. Winston, lamps, you know the deal."

**  
**

To Lena's surprise, Mei smiled brightly. "Do you like the garden? I know Jack said it was pointless, which, I suppose is true if we ever have to evacuate the base, but Ana at least appreciates the fresh vegetables, and Dr. Ziegler says it's a good way to cope with... everything."

**  
**

Mei, seemingly embarrassed by how much she'd shared, turned back to her ferns. For whatever reason, Lena had never registered that Mei needed help coping, too. It should have been a given, considering all that she had been through, but it had only just begun to _click_ for Lena. And when it did click, Lena's heart ached for Mei - how she stayed so positive after all this time was a mystery.

**  
**

Wanting to comfort Mei somehow, Lena said, "Angie told me it could help me, too. Creating something. I've just... never been very creative, so I'm kinda stuck on that front."

**  
**

"Well, everyone's different," Mei offered. "She says I 'exhibit a need to be in control of my surroundings' after having to go into cryostasis. And knowing my little ferns need me is kind of... touching."

**  
**

Lena had always envied how easily Mei could discuss the years she spent in cryostasis, even jokingly citing it as her secret to looking so young for so long - Lena couldn't even think about the Slipstream incident without having steeled herself for a potential panic attack. Maybe time had made Mei wise. Maybe time had made her numb.

**  
**

"I was thinking... maybe I could help you with your garden sometimes?" Lena shyly suggested. "I know jack shit about plants, but, I think it could be a good way to take my mind off things. Plus, I owe you for stepping all over your carrots."

**  
**

Mei nodded and giggled along with Lena and, once the pair quieted, Mei looked sincerely at Lena. "Lena, I noticed you aren't wearing your accelerator... is it broken?"

**  
**

Running a hand through her hair, Lena shrugged. She started to pick at the turf before her feet. "No, but it's... well on its way there. Sometimes, it'll get all jumpy, and Winston's been looking at it, but..."

**  
**

Lena looked down, sniffed. "It's not looking great."

**  
**

Ever the optimist, Mei suggested, "Gibraltar is a much more well-established facility. Maybe there are better tools to help fix it."

**  
**

"I guess. I just... I'm not ready for when there aren't any options left. I take the stupid thing off thinking I'm gonna get used to it, but I know I'm just going to start disappearing again, things already don't feel real anymore, and I'm not ready, I don't want to-- oh, fuck--"

**  
**

Lena choked out a sob and quickly covered her mouth with a hand, hoping to mask it, but more of the same cries kept coming. The tightness in her chest came with it, the ragged breathing. All at once, she felt like an idiot for crying in front of Mei, she felt horrified thinking about her future, she felt panicked at the fact that she was having a panic attack so quickly - they'd been coming much more frequently now - and her head was already starting to hurt nearly as much as her lungs.

**  
**

"Lena?" Mei's voice sounded far away over the sound of Lena's gasps, her sobs. Mei removed her gardening gloves and laid a hand on Lena's knee, asking, "Lena, look at me."

**  
**

She couldn't. All she could focus on was the thundering of her own heartbeat in her ears and the worry that it would disappear, she would disappear. She clasped her head in her hands. "I'm s-so f-fucking scared..."

**  
**

Mei gingerly took Lena's hands in her own and began to run her thumbs over the backs of her hands. Watching Lena tremble like this broke her heart. "I know, Lena, I know. Please try to breathe with me, Lena."

**  
**

Everything was too loud, too much. Lena felt almost as if she was already slipping, all except for the feeling of Mei's soft hands taking hers. She kept her eyes on Mei, attempting to let the scientist guide her through the even breaths. Lena's were much more ragged, uneven, but she tried, she tried, she tried.

**  
**

"I want us to try something, okay?" Mei waited for Lena to nod as much as she could. "I want you to know that you're here. What can you feel right now, Lena? Tell me what you can feel."

**  
**

Lena swallowed as her tear-filled chestnut eyes darted around at her surroundings as she thought. Her leg bounced up and down rapidly, her knee hitting her foot over and over again. "Um... your hands. They're r-really soft."

**  
**

Mei smiled. "Thank you. Keep going, Lena - what else can you feel right now?"

**  
**

"The wind, I guess. The, um... the fake grass," Lena's heart still thundered, but she began to register the warmth of Mei's hands. She remembered to breathe evenly, as Mei had shown her. "It's kind of cold. Cool."

**  
**

"It is. Good weather for transplanting ferns," Mei commented. Lena offered her a quick smile. "How about what you can see? What can you see around you, Lena?"

**  
**

"I can see... you," Lena said. Looking into Mei's face - always so sure, always so friendly and soft - soothed her some. She looked past Mei, using the white light from the flashlight to pick out her surroundings. "The tomatoes - I made a sandwich with some once, it was really good... um, the ferns, the pink flowers, your gloves..."

**  
**

The pair went on like this, with Mei guiding her through each of her senses and Lena picking out her surroundings accordingly. They discussed how Lena could smell Mei's perfume, how the taste of the sandwich she'd made as her midnight snack remained on her tongue, how she could hear the waves crashing nearby. With each list, Lena's mind was slowly brought out of the places it hated the most. Normally, she hated whatever exercises Angela had told her to do if she were panicking; this one felt much less... condescending. Deep down, she was still scared shitless at the thought of losing the present, but being able to catch her breath was more than enough for her.

**  
**

"Shit," Lena breathed. "I'm sorry to make things all weird--"

**  
**

"It's okay, Lena. I hope I could help you," Mei said, then waited for Lena to nod and mumble a "thank you" before continuing, "It's just a little... thing I came up with. I guess when you go so long without getting to feel or hear or taste anything, you learn to appreciate your surroundings a little more."

**  
**

Lena gave Mei's hands a reassuring squeeze and the smallest hint of a smile. "I'm glad you're here, Mei. It just... feels like no one understands a lot of the time, but... I feel like you do."

**  
**

Touched and ultimately relieved that she could reach Lena, Mei smiled back, letting Lena wipe her tears before taking her hands again. "Listen, Lena. Whenever I feel like I might have to... disappear again, in my own way, I just think... the plants, the ocean, the wind, they're all here. They may change, but they're here, and they're not going anywhere."

**  
**

Mei could feel herself beginning to tear up as she stared into Lena's glistening chestnut eyes. The unsureness in the girl's eyes made her heart ache, and she wanted nothing more than to take it all away. She was so undeserving of such hurt, and Mei couldn't begin to understand it all, but she offered, "They're not going anywhere, and neither are you."

**  
**

Just when Lena had managed to dry her tears, again they flowed, but, this time, they were tears of gratitude for the scientist. She nearly lunged forward to wrap her arms around Mei, kneeling in front of her but still putting close to her entire weight on Mei. It took Mei a moment to recover from the surprise, but she held Lena, rubbing her back as she cried.

**  
**

Much like everything else she came across that offered her an inkling of comfort, an escape from her own bleak fate, Lena held onto Mei for dear life.

****

****

 

* * *

 

****

****

One of the perks of having fallen of the map for so long was that Mei could saunter into town without anyone fussing over the appearance of a former Overwatch operant. Whenever she got the chance, she would, literally, stop and smell the flowers at the assorted mom-and-pop plant shops that had begun to set up now that spring had begun. If time allowed it, she would strike up a conversation with the store owners, sometimes about gardening concerns, other times about how lovely the begonias in the front were. This time, however, she was on a very specific mission.

**  
**

Mei had asked Lena to meet her at the garden much earlier than usual, just after dawn, to take Lena up on her offer on helping with the garden. Lena, despite being a heavy sleeper (whenever she could get to sleep), eagerly agreed, admittedly excited to see the garden in its full, sun lit glory. She even wore a pair of overalls that she'd nicked from a thrift store in town and one of her old sweatbands from her track and field days, along with a pair of orange rain boots that she rarely got to wear. Lúcio would make fun of her awful fashion sense if he were even conscious at that time of day.

**  
**

When Lena reached the rooftop to see Mei there, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, she greeted the scientist with a salute. "Top o' the morning to ya, Mei!"

**  
**

"You're so awake!" Mei noted. At her side on a small bench were an assortment of gardening tools - fertilizer that made Lena only _slightly_ feel like hacking up her toast and baked beans from breakfast, some shovels, and a pair of gloves that were so brand spanking new that they still had the tags on them. "I hope you slept well."

**  
**

"When _don't_ I sleep well, am I right?" Lena jested at her own expense. To be honest, though, knowing that she would be spending the morning with Mei in her quaint little garden helped to quell the nightmares. That night, she dreamt about butterflies and the feeling of soil in her hands. "What's on the agenda for today? Gonna... transcend some peonies?"

**  
**

Mei chuckled and shook her head. She handed Lena the new pair of gloves, rough in texture with thin bands of yellow at the wrists. One hand was hidden ominously behind her back. "Actually, Lena, I have a little surprise for you. There's a neat little plot of land left, and I was never sure what do with it, so I figured you could plant..."

**  
**

Mei presented Lena with a small pot that had a tiny sprout in it with a couple of leaves. "This!"

**  
**

Mildly confused, Lena accepted the plant. "It... sure is a plant."

**  
**

"It's a fringe tree. It may not look like much now, but it'll be beautiful when it grows up." The scientist assured Lena, guiding her over to the plot of land destined for the tree. "It will have lots of lovely flowers on it... maybe some you can give to any special ladies in your life?"

**  
**

Lena blushed. She'd barely remembered coming out to Mei, besides the fact that she'd excitedly blurted it out once she heard Mei idly mention something about loving women. She got down onto her knees and set the plant and gloves aside. "Ah, I don't know about all of _that_..."

**  
**

"Well, if you keep your eyes peeled, one will come around soon enough." Mei smiled. She regarded a small, black spider that skitted across the bricks sectioning off the plot of land as she grabbed her own shovel.

**  
**

"I guess..." Lena smirked. The same spider that crossed Mei’s path crawled onto the leg of Lena’s overalls. "Do you have a special lady, Mei? Perhaps one with large muscles? Pink hair?"

**  
**

Ah, Lena, always the perceptive one. Mei's cheeks burned a bright red as she suddenly became very interested in upsetting the loose soil destined for Lena's plant. "Everything is very... new, currently. But we have been on a couple of dates, whenever we found the time. We don't have a label for anything just yet, we're taking things slow for now--"

**  
**

"Oh, please, she's obsessed with you," Lena laughed. She changed her voice to mock Zarya's, gruffly grunting in a poor Russian accent, "Mei-Ling and I went into town for ice cream! She makes holding a cone look cute!"

**  
**

Mei was inclined to tell Lena that, no, Zarya did _not_ sound like that, but all she mustered was a nervous, elated giggle at the thought of her not-quite girlfriend. She asked, “Since when did you become such a gossip, Miss Oxton?”

**  
**

“I mean, I’m not really, I just figured that I should make a bit of relevant conversation since we’ll be up here working on Herman together.” Lena tugged the gloves apart to snap the plastic thread that held them together and send the tags floating onto the ground. The texture was different from her regular leather gloves, but she appreciated the new sensation.

**  
**

Mei narrowed her eyes at Lena. “Herman…?”

**  
**

“That’s what I’ve decided to name the tree!” Lena smiled brightly at Mei and took the pot into her lap. “Herman, the fringe tree. At first, I was thinking Samantha, but people _expect_ Samantha.”

**  
**

“I can tell you that I didn’t expect it,” Mei snorted. She grinned at Lena’s enthusiasm, her eyes darting excitedly around at the gardening tools, wondering where to start. “I look forward to watching… Herman grow.”

**  
**

Lena grasped Herman with a grin, thinking back to what Mei said about her plants needing her. It felt good to be needed, to be anchored to the present by the fact that there was something waiting for you. If people saw her tree, maybe they would remember her, even if she was gone forever, only to be seen in pictures or small blips of time. The thought soothed her.

**  
**

“I’m excited to grow with him,” Lena replied. “Now, where to start?”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i sure do love Lesbian Friendship™
> 
> if you also love Lesbian Friendship™, feel free to leave me some kudos and a comment, maybe check out my other overwatch works if you like! there are more to come, and thank you for reading [flower emoji]  
> don't call me out on the hint of widowtracer tbh....


End file.
